“Let’s hit this” he says, as we walk through the doors. Despite being my best friend, this 5 foot 5 inch man had no idea what kind of energy that was pulsating through me; not the usual uncontrolled, funny, malfocused energy that usually came from my gut. No, this energy came from a different place; this came from somewhere unidentifiable, and so instantaneously affected the entirety of my being that I had to focus it. I had managed to finally utilize it in a way to drive me, and push me to where I had no fear. It’s that kind of energy that you feel before jumping out of a plane or seeing a wreck happen 50 feet in front of you: anxiety. This anxiety had taken hold of me in the past and paralyzed me from action, but not this time. I had finally learned to wrest the hold of the strangling pressure and use that to fuel me. As we strut through the club, the entire spectrum of lights flashed rapidly and frequently: Blue. Green. Red. Blue. Black. Red. Blue. Then smoke sprayed from the ceiling. Through this blitzkrieg on my vision, balance, and even smell, my gaze was set. He followed me into the group, and unbeknownst to my conscious self, I was interacting with the most beautiful woman in the room. “Hey, I’m Travis. It was very rude of you not to introduce yourself.” As she started to giggle, I couldn’t help but notice how her nose wiggled and her beautiful brown eyes squinted. “You’re right, how could I be so inconsiderate to you! I’m Kaitlyn.”
This is describing walking into a club/bar and the anxious anticipation that overcomes a single...or morally loose attached man. It focuses on and embodies the undefinable spirit most recently articulated by the Black Eyed Peas with "I've Got a Feeling". ooooh hoooo.
ReplyDeleteI definitely feel the scene. The staccato colors in the middle act as the hit of the bass speaker and you can feel the atmosphere. Once you have established that foothold then the scene paints itself from the imagination of the reader. A small suggestion would be to regulate the colors in a pattern, the randomness took me out for just a minute.
I can see the scene clearly, but I don't have an emotional response or attachment to it. Maybe play up the anxiety a little by adding some internal anguish prior to approaching the girl. Showing an emotion other than brazen confidence might go a long way to endear the character to those of us maintaining our apprehensive nature. Taking the step of approaching the girl anyway could be what seals the commune with the reader. I would experiment with different types of language - metaphor, symbolism - something else other than just telling the story. Also I would imagine the inherent ambiguity of figurative language would create a stronger appeal to the reader.
Favorite mental image is the the "blitzkrieg on my vision". That phrase harks my mind to those first steps from the quieter street into the hectic atmosphere inside.
What could be improved: I would just concentrate on the language. You have a good setting here, but if you could bring it out in a less straight forward, traditional way then it could be much more pathetic, rhetorically speaking.